Project Manager is a Person who thinks Nine women can deliver a baby in One month.
Developer is a Person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a baby.
Onsite Coordinator is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine babies in one month.
Client is the one who doesn't know why he wants a baby.
Marketing Manager is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available.
Resource Optimization Team thinks they don't need a man or woman; they'll produce a child with zero resources.
Documentation Team thinks they don't care whether the child is delivered, they'll just document months.
Quality Auditor is the person who is never happy with the PROCESS to produce a baby.
Ten Things I learned While Shopping
by Nikki
It amazes me how a mall during a sale can resemble a jungle. It's survival of the fittest when you've all got your eye on the same piece of furniture. My mom, my two sisters and I went to SM Megamall in search of furniture pieces today and to our surprise it was a mall-wide sale day, and the whole place was packed. I'm telling you there was hardly any elbow room. Although it took forever to line up at the cashier and shopping related injuries were on an upscale, there were a few things i discovered that i would not have lest it was any other ordinary day, and here they are:
1. Demo Guys can be entertaining - Have you taken the time to watch a salesman do one of his product demonstrations? You know, where they try to sell portable vacuums, irons, knives etc? These people can be hilarious! You can just sit there and watch them do their thing, especially when no one's watching and they're trying to get attention, and these poeple can be real stand-up comedians. It ain't easy standing there for a day trying to sell something no one's interested in.
2. Megamall can be a maze - It's great how so many things can be packed in one big place but when there are thousands of people and every display corner looks the same, it can get pretty tiring trying to find cashier 8.
3. A coffee table, a floor lamp and a number of shopping bags can fit inside a cab - Yes, it takes maneuvering and cab layout ingenuity, but it is possible.
4. You can make friends in the cab queue- I did! A mom! And the cutest little kid named Basti!
5. Food comes to you while you're in line - Yep, profiteering Pizza Hut people were going up and down the line trying to sell boxes of Hawaiian.
6. You should always have mineral water ready when shopping- One can almost never find the time, and the place, to buy water when there's a sea of people to navigate through.
7. Salespeople can be really patient - It's no easy task trying to get my mom's finicky orders. And when our salesman Joey was sent to the stockroom, by my mom nonetheless, a number of times to check if there still is stock of something she wanted, Joey always came back with a smile. He even carried our coffee table to the cab line! Salespeople are unsung heroes of shopping!
8. Mega A does not have the department store, it's in Mega B- Or so i think. Because we never did find the department store entrance in Mega A.
9. "You are the Minstrel" never sounded so sweet - WLL says it best, when it reminds you you're in a cab speeding away from the crowds and heading home.
10. Things you bought aren't the only stuff you'll be taking home- there's also sore feet, a bruised arm (in my case, while someone tried to elbow me out of the way), a certain funk, memories of new cab queue friends, and leftover pizza.
There. So always remember the ten things I learned while shopping in Megamall during a sale, because when SM says We Got It All For You, they really mean it.
1. Demo Guys can be entertaining - Have you taken the time to watch a salesman do one of his product demonstrations? You know, where they try to sell portable vacuums, irons, knives etc? These people can be hilarious! You can just sit there and watch them do their thing, especially when no one's watching and they're trying to get attention, and these poeple can be real stand-up comedians. It ain't easy standing there for a day trying to sell something no one's interested in.
2. Megamall can be a maze - It's great how so many things can be packed in one big place but when there are thousands of people and every display corner looks the same, it can get pretty tiring trying to find cashier 8.
3. A coffee table, a floor lamp and a number of shopping bags can fit inside a cab - Yes, it takes maneuvering and cab layout ingenuity, but it is possible.
4. You can make friends in the cab queue- I did! A mom! And the cutest little kid named Basti!
5. Food comes to you while you're in line - Yep, profiteering Pizza Hut people were going up and down the line trying to sell boxes of Hawaiian.
6. You should always have mineral water ready when shopping- One can almost never find the time, and the place, to buy water when there's a sea of people to navigate through.
7. Salespeople can be really patient - It's no easy task trying to get my mom's finicky orders. And when our salesman Joey was sent to the stockroom, by my mom nonetheless, a number of times to check if there still is stock of something she wanted, Joey always came back with a smile. He even carried our coffee table to the cab line! Salespeople are unsung heroes of shopping!
8. Mega A does not have the department store, it's in Mega B- Or so i think. Because we never did find the department store entrance in Mega A.
9. "You are the Minstrel" never sounded so sweet - WLL says it best, when it reminds you you're in a cab speeding away from the crowds and heading home.
10. Things you bought aren't the only stuff you'll be taking home- there's also sore feet, a bruised arm (in my case, while someone tried to elbow me out of the way), a certain funk, memories of new cab queue friends, and leftover pizza.
There. So always remember the ten things I learned while shopping in Megamall during a sale, because when SM says We Got It All For You, they really mean it.
IQ
Three guys are out having a relaxing day fishing. Out of the blue, they catch a mermaid who begs to be set free in return for granting each of them a wish.
Now one of the guys just doesn't believe it, and says, "Okay, if you can really grant wishes, then double my IQ."
The mermaid says, "Done."
Suddenly the guy starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly and analyzing it with extreme insight.
The second guy is so amazed, he says to the mermaid, "Triple my IQ."
The mermaid says, "Done."
The guy starts to spout out all the mathematical solutions to problems that have been stumping all the scientists in various fields: physics, chemistry, etc.
The last guy is so enthralled with the changes that his friends that he says to the mermaid, "Quintuple my IQ."
The mermaid looks at him and says, "You know, I don't usually try to change people's minds when they make a wish, but I really wish that you would reconsider."
The guy says, "No, I want you to increase my IQ times five, and if you don't do it, I won't set you free."
"Please," says the mermaid, "You don't understand what you're asking, it will change your entire view on the universe. Won't you ask for something else....a million dollars, anything?"
But no matter what the mermaid said, the guy insisted on having his IQ increased by five times its usual power. So the mermaid sighed and said, "Done."
And he became a woman.
Now one of the guys just doesn't believe it, and says, "Okay, if you can really grant wishes, then double my IQ."
The mermaid says, "Done."
Suddenly the guy starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly and analyzing it with extreme insight.
The second guy is so amazed, he says to the mermaid, "Triple my IQ."
The mermaid says, "Done."
The guy starts to spout out all the mathematical solutions to problems that have been stumping all the scientists in various fields: physics, chemistry, etc.
The last guy is so enthralled with the changes that his friends that he says to the mermaid, "Quintuple my IQ."
The mermaid looks at him and says, "You know, I don't usually try to change people's minds when they make a wish, but I really wish that you would reconsider."
The guy says, "No, I want you to increase my IQ times five, and if you don't do it, I won't set you free."
"Please," says the mermaid, "You don't understand what you're asking, it will change your entire view on the universe. Won't you ask for something else....a million dollars, anything?"
But no matter what the mermaid said, the guy insisted on having his IQ increased by five times its usual power. So the mermaid sighed and said, "Done."
And he became a woman.
School-Life During Our Time….
The Singaporean Way...
1. You grew up watching He-man, MASK,Transformers, Silver hawk and
2. You grew up brushing your teeth with a mug in Primary school during recess time. You will squat by a drain with all your classmates beside you, and brush your teeth with a coloured mug.The teachers said you must brush each side 10 times too.
3. You know what SBC stands for.
4. You pay 40 cents for Chocolate or Strawberry MILK every week in class.
5. You watch a very popular Malay dubbed Japanese drama on RTM1 about schoolgirls who possess powerful skills in volleyball called Meoro Attack.
6. You find your friends with pagers and handphone cool in Secondary school.
7. SBS buses used to be non-airconditioned. The bus seats are made of wood and the cushion is red. The big red bell gives a loud BEEEP! when pressed. There are colourful tickets forTIBS buses.The conductor will check for tickets by using a machine which punches a hole in the ticket.
8. Envelopes given to us to donate to Sharity Elephant every Children's Day
9. You've probably read Young Generation magazine.You know who's Vinny the little vampire and Acai the constable.
10. You were there when they first introduced MRT here. You went for the first ride with your parents and you would kneel on the seat to see the scenery.
11. Movie tickets used to cost only $3.50.
12. Gals are fascinated by Strawberry Short Cake and Barbie Dolls.
13. You learn to laugh like The Count in
14. You longed to buy tibits called Kaka(20 cents per pack),and Ding Dang(50 cents per box), that had a toy in it and it changes every week not forgetting the 15 cents animal crackers and the ring pop, where the lollipop is the diamond on the ring.
15. You watched TV2(also known as Channel 10) cartoons because Channel 5 never had enough cartoons for you.
16. Hardy Boys, Nancy Drew, The Three Investigators, Famous Five and Secret Seven are probably the thickest story books you ever thought you have read. Even
17. KFC used to be a high class restaurant that serve food in
18. The most vulgar thing you said was asshole and idiot and THE MOST EXTREME WAS 'super white'...you just couldn't bring yourself to say the hokkien relative.
19. Catching was the IN thing and twist as the magic word.
20. Your English workbooks was made of some damn poor quality paper that was smooth and yellow.
21. CDIS were your bestfriend.
22. The only computer lessons in school involved funny pixellised characters in 16 colours walking about trying to teach you maths.
23. Waterbottles were slinged around your neck and a must everywhere you go.
24. Boys loved to play soccer with small plastic balls in the basketball court.
25. Teng-teng, batu lesung, chapteh, hentam bola and zero point were all the rage with the girls and boys too...
26. Science was fun with the balsam and the angsana being the most important plants of our lives, guppies and swordtail being the most important fish.
27. Who can forget Ahmad, Bala, Sumei and John, eternalized in our minds from the textbooks. Even Mr Wally & Mr. Yakki. What abt Miss Lala??? And Zaki and Tini in Malay Textbooks?
28. We carry out experiments of our own to get ourself badges for being a Young Zoologist/Botanist etc.
29. Every children's day and national day you either get pins or pens with 'HappyChildren's Day 1993' or dumbfiles with Happy National Day1994'.
30. In Primary six you had to play buddy for the younger kids like big sister and brother.
31. You wear BM2000, BATA, or Pallas shoes.
32. Your form teacher taught you maths,science and english.
33. The worksheets were made of brown rough paper of poor quality.
34. You went to school in slippers and a raincoat when it rained, and you find a dry spot in the school to sit down, dry your feet, and wear your dry and warm socks and shoes.
36. There would be spelling tests and mental sums to do almost everyday.
37. Your friends considered you lucky and rich if your parents gave you $3 or more for pocket money everyday.
38. You see Wee Kim Wee's face in the school hall.
39. You freak out when the teacher tells you to line up according to height and hold hands with the corresponding boy or girl.
40. Boys like to catch fighting spiders.
41. Collecting and battling erasers was a pastime for boys
42. Autograph books were loaded with "Best Wishes", "Forget Me Not", and small poems like "Bird fly high, hard to catch. Friend like you, hard to forget".
43. Class monitors and prefects loved to say "You talk somemore, I write your name ah!"
44. There were at least 40 people in one class.
45. Large, colourful schoolbags were carried.
46. You brought every single book to school, even though there was one thing called the timetable.
Label Instructions
HERE ARE SOME ACTUAL LABEL INSTRUCTIONS ON CONSUMER GOODS…
On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....)
On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating..." (...and you thought????...)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash!)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents)
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....)
On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating..." (...and you thought????...)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash!)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents)
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
A Mother's Letter To Her Son
Read it carefully... It's hilarious!!!
My dear son. I am in a well here and hoping you are also in a well there. I'm writing this letter slowly, because I know you cannot read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen 20 miles from home, so we moved 20 miles.
I won't be able to send the address as the last owner who stayed here took the house numbers with them for their new house so they would not have to change their address.
Hopefully by next week we will be able to take our earlier address plate here, and that our address will remain same too. This place is really nice.
It even has a washing machine, situated right above the toilet. I'm not sure it works too well. Last week I put in 3 shirts, pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.
The weather here isn't too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first time it rained for 3 days and second time for 4 days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all the metal buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket.
Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass at the cemetery.
By the way I went to our club's poolside. The manager told me that two-piece swimming suit is not allowed in his club. We were confused as to which piece should I remove.
Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it is a girl or a boy, so I don't know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle.
Your uncle fell in the nearby well. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off bravely and drowned.
Your best friend, is no more. He died trying to fulfill his father's last wishes. His father had wished to be buried in the sea after he died. And your friend died while in the process of digging a grave for his father.
There isn't much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.
Love, Mom.
P.S: I was going to send you some money but by the time I realized, I had already sealed off this letter.
Chinese & Indian Movies
Things That Can ONLY Happen In Chinese Swordsman Movies
1. Being the hero's parents will always be unlucky and will usually be killed by enemies when the hero is young, and the hero will become an orphan.
2. When a man is wounded and dying, he always manages to catch his breath and speak a few sentences to reveal the killer before dropping his head and declared dead.
3. Skilled people are able to fly over roof tops, up the trees and across distances without any sweat. But when traveling to towns and villages, they still have to walk or ride horses.
4. The heroes need not have to work for money, but will always have gold and silver with them to pay for their dishes.
5. The heroes and villains will meet each other very often no matter how big the country is and no matter where they are.
6. Healing internal wounds in the body is as easy as sitting down cross-legged, palms on the knees and smoke coming out from the head.
7. They can keep a lot of stuff in their sleeves and waistband and never drop them (carrying especially lots of those gold and silver ingots).
Things That Can ONLY Happen In Indian Movies
1. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to cleanse his wounds.
2. Once applied, make-up is permanent, in rain or in any other situation.
3. The hero cannot fall in love with the heroine (vice versa) until they perform a dance number in the rain.
4. The lovers can be dancing in the field and out of nowhere, 100 people will appear from god-knows-where and join them in the dance.
5. They drop down on grounds and roll and roll while singing and come up with different clothings.
6.They can run around the coconut trees, singing, battling eyes-lid, and throwing glances at each other and change clothes all at the same time without being out of breath.
Potato Garden
An old Arab man lived alone in
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Abdul, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't able able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Your dad, Mohammad.
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad, For heaven's sake, don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the biological weapons.
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