Potentiality vs Reality
Youngest Son: Tell me Dad, what is the difference between "Potentiality" and "Reality"?"
Dad: I will show you.
Dad turns to his wife and asks her: Would you sleep with Robert Redford for 1 million dollars"?
Wife: Yes of course! I would never waste such an opportunity...
Then Dad asks his daughter, if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for 1 million dollars?
Daughter: Wow! Yes! he is my fantasy!
So Dad turns to his elder son and asks him: "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for 1 million dollars"?
Elder Son: Yeah! Why not? Imagine what I could do with 1 million Dollars!I Would never hesitate!
So the father turns back to his younger son saying: You see son, "Potentially" we are sitting on
3 million dollars, but in "Reality" we are living with 2 prostitutes and 1 gay.
1981 & 2005
Interesting Year 1981
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. Pope Died
Then there's Year 2005
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament
4. Pope Died
In the future, if Prince Charles decides to remarry... please warn the Pope!!
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. Pope Died
Then there's Year 2005
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament
4. Pope Died
In the future, if Prince Charles decides to remarry... please warn the Pope!!
21st CENTURY LIFE LESS
Our communication - Wireless
Our business - Cashless
Our telephone - Cordless
Our cooking - Fireless
Our youth - Jobless
Our religion - Creedless
Our food - Fatless
Our faith - Godless
Our labour - Effortless
Our conduct - Worthless
Our relation - Loveless
Our attitude - Careless
Our feelings - Heartless
Our politics - Shameless
Our education - Valueless
Our Follies - Countless
Our arguments - Baseless
Our commitment - Aimless
Our life - Meaningless
Our bosses - Hopeless
Our Salary - Very less !!!!!!!
Our business - Cashless
Our telephone - Cordless
Our cooking - Fireless
Our youth - Jobless
Our religion - Creedless
Our food - Fatless
Our faith - Godless
Our labour - Effortless
Our conduct - Worthless
Our relation - Loveless
Our attitude - Careless
Our feelings - Heartless
Our politics - Shameless
Our education - Valueless
Our Follies - Countless
Our arguments - Baseless
Our commitment - Aimless
Our life - Meaningless
Our bosses - Hopeless
Our Salary - Very less !!!!!!!
Mr Bean...
1) MR. BEAN SEES A DOCTOR :
Doctor : I regret to tell you that you have a brain tumor.
Mr. Bean: Yesss!!! (jumps in joy)
Doctor : Did you understand what I just told you?
Mr. Bean: Yes of course, do you think I'm dumb?
Doctor : Then why are you so happy?
Mr. Bean: Because that proves that I have a brain!
2) MR. BEAN WHILE IN GRADE SCHOOL:
Teacher : What is 5 plus 4?
Mr. Bean : 9
Teacher : What is 4 plus 5?
Mr. Bean : Are you trying to fool me, you've just twisted the figure, the answer is 6!!
3) WHILE IN A DRUG STORE:
Mr. Bean: I'd like some vitamins for my grandson.
Clerk : Sir, vitamin A, B or C?
Mr. Bean: Any will do, my grandson doesn't know the alphabet yet!!
4) AT AN ATM MACHINE:
Friend : What are you looking at?
Mr. Bean: I know your PIN no., hee, hee.
Friend : Alright, what is my PIN no. if you saw it?
Mr. Bean: four asterisks (****)!
5) MARRIAGE:
Friend : How many women do you believe must a man marry?
Mr. Bean: 16
Friend : Why?
Mr. Bean: Because the priest says 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better and 4 worse.
6) CHATTING WITH HIS FRIEND:
Friend : How was the tape you borrowed from me, is it Ok?
Mr. Bean: What do you mean ok, I thought it's a horror film. I didn't see any picture.
Friend : What tape did you take anyway?
Mr. Bean: Head Cleaner.
7) DEATH OF HIS MOTHER:
Mr. Bean:(crying) the doctor called, Mom's dead.
Friend : condolence, my friend.
(After 2 minutes) Mr. Bean cries even louder
Friend : what now?
Mr. Bean: my sister just called, her mom died too!
8) MR. BEAN ATTENDING A MEETING:
Colleague : Sorry I'm late. I got stuck in an elevator for 4 hrs because of a power failure.
Mr. Bean : That's alright, me too...I got stuck on the escalator for 3 hrs.
9) SPELLING LESSON:
Mr. Bean's Son: Dad, what is the spelling of successful....is it one c or two c?
Mr. Bean : Make it three c to be sure!
How To Put The Right Person For The Right Job
Does your Company have a problem in recruiting the right person for the right Job? If yes, try this simple experiment.
Put around 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an open window. Then send 2-3 candidates into the room and close it from outside.
Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours, and then analyze the situation:
If they are counting and recounting the number of bricks - PUT THEM IN ACCOUNTS DEPT.
If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks - PUT THEM IN ENGINEERING
If they are arranging the bricks in some other order - PUT THEM IN PLANNING.
If they are throwing the bricks at each other - PUT THEM IN OPERATIONS.
If they are sleeping - PUT THEM IN SECURITY.
If they have broken the bricks into pieces - PUT THEM IN INFORMATION TECHNOLOGY.
If they are sitting idle - PUT THEM IN HUMAN RESOURCE DEPT.
If they have thrown the bricks out of the window - PUT THEM IN THE MATERIALS DEPT.
If they are clinging onto the bricks - PUT THEM IN TREASURY.
If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has moved - PUT THEM IN SALES.
If they have already left for the day - PUT THEM IN MARKETING.
If they are staring out of the window - PUT THEM IN STRATEGIC PLANNING
AND last but not least....
If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved - PUT THEM IN TOP MANAGEMENT.
Somehow I find this quite true in our society.
Put around 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an open window. Then send 2-3 candidates into the room and close it from outside.
Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours, and then analyze the situation:
If they are counting and recounting the number of bricks - PUT THEM IN ACCOUNTS DEPT.
If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks - PUT THEM IN ENGINEERING
If they are arranging the bricks in some other order - PUT THEM IN PLANNING.
If they are throwing the bricks at each other - PUT THEM IN OPERATIONS.
If they are sleeping - PUT THEM IN SECURITY.
If they have broken the bricks into pieces - PUT THEM IN INFORMATION TECHNOLOGY.
If they are sitting idle - PUT THEM IN HUMAN RESOURCE DEPT.
If they have thrown the bricks out of the window - PUT THEM IN THE MATERIALS DEPT.
If they are clinging onto the bricks - PUT THEM IN TREASURY.
If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has moved - PUT THEM IN SALES.
If they have already left for the day - PUT THEM IN MARKETING.
If they are staring out of the window - PUT THEM IN STRATEGIC PLANNING
AND last but not least....
If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved - PUT THEM IN TOP MANAGEMENT.
Somehow I find this quite true in our society.
Pay Attention
First-year students at a Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor : The first is that you are not disgusted by anything involving the human body." For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them calmly and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention...."
The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor : The first is that you are not disgusted by anything involving the human body." For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them calmly and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention...."
Cow Corporation
TRADITION CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create clever cow cartoon images called 'Cowkimon' and market them World-Wide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5,000 cows and none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment and high bovine productivity.
You have the newsman who reported on the numbers arrested.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.
A MALAYSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You signed a 40-year contract to supply milk at RM0.06 per litre.
Then midway through, you raised the price to RM0.60 or you cut the supply.
When the buyer agrees to the new price, you change your mind again and now want RM1.20.
The buyer decided you can keep the milk and they go look for milk that comes from recycled cows or the cow urine instead.
Your two cows retire together with the Prime Minister.
A SINGAPOREAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
One cow-peh and one cow-bu.
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create clever cow cartoon images called 'Cowkimon' and market them World-Wide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5,000 cows and none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment and high bovine productivity.
You have the newsman who reported on the numbers arrested.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.
A MALAYSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You signed a 40-year contract to supply milk at RM0.06 per litre.
Then midway through, you raised the price to RM0.60 or you cut the supply.
When the buyer agrees to the new price, you change your mind again and now want RM1.20.
The buyer decided you can keep the milk and they go look for milk that comes from recycled cows or the cow urine instead.
Your two cows retire together with the Prime Minister.
A SINGAPOREAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
One cow-peh and one cow-bu.
Life is tough. It's tougher if you're stupid.
I got this from an email :
- Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen McNuggets. We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
- I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said, "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.
- I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."
- Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper.What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
- Police in Radnor, Pa., interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photo copymachine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
- Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen McNuggets. We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
- I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said, "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.
- I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."
- Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper.What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
- Police in Radnor, Pa., interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photo copymachine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
Doctors’ Notes
These are doctor's notes on patients' charts: (Actual notes - unedited)
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
On the second day, the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.
She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
On the second day, the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.
She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
The patient refused an autopsy.
The patient has no past history of suicides.
Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.
She is numb from her toes down.
While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
The skin was moist and dry.
Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
Patient was alert and unresponsive.
Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
She stated that she had been constipated for most of her adult life, until she got a divorce.
I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.
Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
Funny Car Names
AUDI
Always Unsafe Designs Implemented
BMW
Big Money Works
Bought My Wife
Brutal Money Waster
Bimbette Motor Weapon
Break My Window
BUICK
Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer
CHEVROLET
Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time
Cheap Heap, Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time
Condition Hopeless, Entire Vehicle Relies On Leftover Engine Technology
DODGE
Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere
Dem Old Dudes Go Everywhere
Dead or Dying Gas Eater
Dear Old Dad's Geriatric Express
FIAT
Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
Fix It All the Time
Fix it again, Tony!
FORD
First On Recall Day
First On Race Day
First On Rust and Deterioration
Fix Or Repair Daily
Found On Road, Dead
Fault Of R & D
Fast Only Rolling Downhill
Features O.J. and Ron's DNA
Found On Russian Dump
GM
General Maintenance
Great Mistake
GMC
Garage Man's Companion
Got A Mechanic Coming?
HONDA
Had One Never Did Again
HYUNDAI
Hope You Understand Nothing's Drivable And Inexpensive...
MAZDA
Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along
OLDSMOBILE
Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Everywhere
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment
PONTIAC
Poor old Neanderthal thinks its a Cadillac
SAAB
Send Another Automobile Back
Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown
Sorry Assed Auto Builders
TOYOTA
Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto
VOLVO
Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
Vehicles Of Low Velocity Owners
VW
Virtually Worthless
WEIRD Laws
I came across some weird and interesting laws from some countries.
Here are some of my favourites :
AUSTRALIA
Children may not purchase cigarettes, but they may smoke them.
It is illegal to roam the streets wearing black clothes, felt shoes and black shoe polish on your face as these items are the tools of a cat burgular.
Only licensed electricians may change a light bulb. The fine for not abiding by this law is 10 pounds.
CAMBODIA
Water guns may not be used in New Year's celebrations.
CANADA
Citizens may not publicly remove bandages.
It is illegal to kill a sick person by frightening them.
CANADA - Alberta
If you are released from prison, it is required that you are given a handgun with bullets and a horse, so you can ride out of town.
CANADA - Ontario, Oshawa
It's illegal to climb trees.
CHINA
To go to college you must be intelligent.
You may only have one child, or you will have to pay a fine.
DENMARK
There is a penalty of 20kr for not reporting when a person has died.
Before starting your car you are required to check lights, brakes, steering and honk your horn. You also need to make a visual check to make sure there are no children underneath the car.
FRANCE
It is illegal to kiss on railways in France.
FRANCE - Paris
An ashtray is considered to be a deadly weapon.
FINLAND
Taxi drivers must pay royalties if they play music in their cars for paying customers.
GERMANY
A pillow can be considered a "passive" weapon.
Every office must have a view of the sky, however small.
GREECE
All electronic games are banned.
One could not wear a hat in the Olympic Stadium in ancient times as it would obstruct someone's view.
ISRAEL
Bicycles may not ridden without a license.
ISRAEL, Haifa
It is forbidden to bring bears to the beach.
ITALY
A man may be arrested for wearing a skirt.
MOROCCO
Anyone in company with someone who possesses narcotics, even if they are unaware that their companion has them, can be tried for the same crime.
NORWAY
Licenses must be bought in order to own television sets, and even VCRs.
PHILIPPINES
Cars whose license plates end with a 1 or 2 are not allowed on the roads on Monday, 3 or 4 on Tuesday, 5 or 6 on Wednesday, 7 or 8 on Thursday, and 9 or 0 on Friday from 7:00 A.M. to 7:00 P.M.
SINGAPORE
Homosexuals are not allowed to live in the country.
If you are convicted of littering three times, you will have to clean the streets on Sundays with a bib on saying, "I am a litterer." This will then be broadcasted on the local news.
SOUTH AFRICA - Bloemfontein
In the days of aparthed, all people of colour had to be indoors by 9 PM, at which time a siren was sounded.
Young people wearing bathing suits are prohibited from sitting less than 12 inches apart.
SOUTH KOREA
Traffic police are required to report all bribes that they receive from motorists.
SWAZILAND
Any woman who wears pants faces a possible punishment of having the pants ripped off her and torn to pieces by soldiers.
Young girls may not shake hands with men.
SWEDEN
It is illegal to repaint a house without a painting license and the government's permission.
If you release pigs into a acornwood (or a beechnutwood) mutually owned by you and at least one more, and exceeded your quota of allowed pigs, you will have to pay a fine for each each pig to the other owners and to restore any damages caused by the extra pigs.
SWITZERLAND
Clothes may not be hung to dry on Sunday.
You may not wash your car on a Sunday.
It is illegal to flush the toilet after 10 P.M. if you live in an apartment.
THAILAND
It is illegal to leave your house if you are not wearing underwear.
No one may step of any of the nation's currency.
UNITED KINGDOM
You may not fish on Sundays for salmon.
All English males over the age 14 are to carry out 2 or so hours of longbow practice a week supervised by the local clergy.
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA - California, San Francisco
It is illegal to wipe one's car with used underwear.
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA - Federal Law
A US citizen can take possession of any foreign, uninhabited island, as long as it contains bird droppings.
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA - Florida
You may not fart in a public place after 6 P.M. on Thursdays.
Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner.
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA - Illinois, Champaign
One may not pee in his neighbor's mouth.
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA - New Mexico
Idiots may not vote.
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA - New York
The penalty for jumping off a building is death.
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA - North Carolina, Zebulon
It is illegal to stand outside the police station for any purpose after dark.
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA - Texas
It is illegal to milk another person's cow.
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA - Washington
All lollipops are banned.
People may not buy a mattress on Sunday.
You cannot buy meat of any kind on Sunday.
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA - Washington, Seattle
Women who sit on men's laps on buses or trains without placing a pillow between them face an automatic six-month jail term.
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA - Washington, Wilbur
You may not ride an ugly horse.
Here are some of my favourites :
AUSTRALIA
Children may not purchase cigarettes, but they may smoke them.
It is illegal to roam the streets wearing black clothes, felt shoes and black shoe polish on your face as these items are the tools of a cat burgular.
Only licensed electricians may change a light bulb. The fine for not abiding by this law is 10 pounds.
CAMBODIA
Water guns may not be used in New Year's celebrations.
CANADA
Citizens may not publicly remove bandages.
It is illegal to kill a sick person by frightening them.
CANADA - Alberta
If you are released from prison, it is required that you are given a handgun with bullets and a horse, so you can ride out of town.
CANADA - Ontario, Oshawa
It's illegal to climb trees.
CHINA
To go to college you must be intelligent.
You may only have one child, or you will have to pay a fine.
DENMARK
There is a penalty of 20kr for not reporting when a person has died.
Before starting your car you are required to check lights, brakes, steering and honk your horn. You also need to make a visual check to make sure there are no children underneath the car.
FRANCE
It is illegal to kiss on railways in France.
FRANCE - Paris
An ashtray is considered to be a deadly weapon.
FINLAND
Taxi drivers must pay royalties if they play music in their cars for paying customers.
GERMANY
A pillow can be considered a "passive" weapon.
Every office must have a view of the sky, however small.
GREECE
All electronic games are banned.
One could not wear a hat in the Olympic Stadium in ancient times as it would obstruct someone's view.
ISRAEL
Bicycles may not ridden without a license.
ISRAEL, Haifa
It is forbidden to bring bears to the beach.
ITALY
A man may be arrested for wearing a skirt.
MOROCCO
Anyone in company with someone who possesses narcotics, even if they are unaware that their companion has them, can be tried for the same crime.
NORWAY
Licenses must be bought in order to own television sets, and even VCRs.
PHILIPPINES
Cars whose license plates end with a 1 or 2 are not allowed on the roads on Monday, 3 or 4 on Tuesday, 5 or 6 on Wednesday, 7 or 8 on Thursday, and 9 or 0 on Friday from 7:00 A.M. to 7:00 P.M.
SINGAPORE
Homosexuals are not allowed to live in the country.
If you are convicted of littering three times, you will have to clean the streets on Sundays with a bib on saying, "I am a litterer." This will then be broadcasted on the local news.
SOUTH AFRICA - Bloemfontein
In the days of aparthed, all people of colour had to be indoors by 9 PM, at which time a siren was sounded.
Young people wearing bathing suits are prohibited from sitting less than 12 inches apart.
SOUTH KOREA
Traffic police are required to report all bribes that they receive from motorists.
SWAZILAND
Any woman who wears pants faces a possible punishment of having the pants ripped off her and torn to pieces by soldiers.
Young girls may not shake hands with men.
SWEDEN
It is illegal to repaint a house without a painting license and the government's permission.
If you release pigs into a acornwood (or a beechnutwood) mutually owned by you and at least one more, and exceeded your quota of allowed pigs, you will have to pay a fine for each each pig to the other owners and to restore any damages caused by the extra pigs.
SWITZERLAND
Clothes may not be hung to dry on Sunday.
You may not wash your car on a Sunday.
It is illegal to flush the toilet after 10 P.M. if you live in an apartment.
THAILAND
It is illegal to leave your house if you are not wearing underwear.
No one may step of any of the nation's currency.
UNITED KINGDOM
You may not fish on Sundays for salmon.
All English males over the age 14 are to carry out 2 or so hours of longbow practice a week supervised by the local clergy.
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA - California, San Francisco
It is illegal to wipe one's car with used underwear.
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA - Federal Law
A US citizen can take possession of any foreign, uninhabited island, as long as it contains bird droppings.
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA - Florida
You may not fart in a public place after 6 P.M. on Thursdays.
Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner.
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA - Illinois, Champaign
One may not pee in his neighbor's mouth.
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA - New Mexico
Idiots may not vote.
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA - New York
The penalty for jumping off a building is death.
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA - North Carolina, Zebulon
It is illegal to stand outside the police station for any purpose after dark.
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA - Texas
It is illegal to milk another person's cow.
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA - Washington
All lollipops are banned.
People may not buy a mattress on Sunday.
You cannot buy meat of any kind on Sunday.
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA - Washington, Seattle
Women who sit on men's laps on buses or trains without placing a pillow between them face an automatic six-month jail term.
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA - Washington, Wilbur
You may not ride an ugly horse.
IT Designations in terms of delivering a baby
Project Manager is a Person who thinks Nine women can deliver a baby in One month.
Developer is a Person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a baby.
Onsite Coordinator is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine babies in one month.
Client is the one who doesn't know why he wants a baby.
Marketing Manager is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available.
Resource Optimization Team thinks they don't need a man or woman; they'll produce a child with zero resources.
Documentation Team thinks they don't care whether the child is delivered, they'll just document months.
Quality Auditor is the person who is never happy with the PROCESS to produce a baby.
Developer is a Person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a baby.
Onsite Coordinator is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine babies in one month.
Client is the one who doesn't know why he wants a baby.
Marketing Manager is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available.
Resource Optimization Team thinks they don't need a man or woman; they'll produce a child with zero resources.
Documentation Team thinks they don't care whether the child is delivered, they'll just document months.
Quality Auditor is the person who is never happy with the PROCESS to produce a baby.
Ten Things I learned While Shopping
by Nikki
It amazes me how a mall during a sale can resemble a jungle. It's survival of the fittest when you've all got your eye on the same piece of furniture. My mom, my two sisters and I went to SM Megamall in search of furniture pieces today and to our surprise it was a mall-wide sale day, and the whole place was packed. I'm telling you there was hardly any elbow room. Although it took forever to line up at the cashier and shopping related injuries were on an upscale, there were a few things i discovered that i would not have lest it was any other ordinary day, and here they are:
1. Demo Guys can be entertaining - Have you taken the time to watch a salesman do one of his product demonstrations? You know, where they try to sell portable vacuums, irons, knives etc? These people can be hilarious! You can just sit there and watch them do their thing, especially when no one's watching and they're trying to get attention, and these poeple can be real stand-up comedians. It ain't easy standing there for a day trying to sell something no one's interested in.
2. Megamall can be a maze - It's great how so many things can be packed in one big place but when there are thousands of people and every display corner looks the same, it can get pretty tiring trying to find cashier 8.
3. A coffee table, a floor lamp and a number of shopping bags can fit inside a cab - Yes, it takes maneuvering and cab layout ingenuity, but it is possible.
4. You can make friends in the cab queue- I did! A mom! And the cutest little kid named Basti!
5. Food comes to you while you're in line - Yep, profiteering Pizza Hut people were going up and down the line trying to sell boxes of Hawaiian.
6. You should always have mineral water ready when shopping- One can almost never find the time, and the place, to buy water when there's a sea of people to navigate through.
7. Salespeople can be really patient - It's no easy task trying to get my mom's finicky orders. And when our salesman Joey was sent to the stockroom, by my mom nonetheless, a number of times to check if there still is stock of something she wanted, Joey always came back with a smile. He even carried our coffee table to the cab line! Salespeople are unsung heroes of shopping!
8. Mega A does not have the department store, it's in Mega B- Or so i think. Because we never did find the department store entrance in Mega A.
9. "You are the Minstrel" never sounded so sweet - WLL says it best, when it reminds you you're in a cab speeding away from the crowds and heading home.
10. Things you bought aren't the only stuff you'll be taking home- there's also sore feet, a bruised arm (in my case, while someone tried to elbow me out of the way), a certain funk, memories of new cab queue friends, and leftover pizza.
There. So always remember the ten things I learned while shopping in Megamall during a sale, because when SM says We Got It All For You, they really mean it.
1. Demo Guys can be entertaining - Have you taken the time to watch a salesman do one of his product demonstrations? You know, where they try to sell portable vacuums, irons, knives etc? These people can be hilarious! You can just sit there and watch them do their thing, especially when no one's watching and they're trying to get attention, and these poeple can be real stand-up comedians. It ain't easy standing there for a day trying to sell something no one's interested in.
2. Megamall can be a maze - It's great how so many things can be packed in one big place but when there are thousands of people and every display corner looks the same, it can get pretty tiring trying to find cashier 8.
3. A coffee table, a floor lamp and a number of shopping bags can fit inside a cab - Yes, it takes maneuvering and cab layout ingenuity, but it is possible.
4. You can make friends in the cab queue- I did! A mom! And the cutest little kid named Basti!
5. Food comes to you while you're in line - Yep, profiteering Pizza Hut people were going up and down the line trying to sell boxes of Hawaiian.
6. You should always have mineral water ready when shopping- One can almost never find the time, and the place, to buy water when there's a sea of people to navigate through.
7. Salespeople can be really patient - It's no easy task trying to get my mom's finicky orders. And when our salesman Joey was sent to the stockroom, by my mom nonetheless, a number of times to check if there still is stock of something she wanted, Joey always came back with a smile. He even carried our coffee table to the cab line! Salespeople are unsung heroes of shopping!
8. Mega A does not have the department store, it's in Mega B- Or so i think. Because we never did find the department store entrance in Mega A.
9. "You are the Minstrel" never sounded so sweet - WLL says it best, when it reminds you you're in a cab speeding away from the crowds and heading home.
10. Things you bought aren't the only stuff you'll be taking home- there's also sore feet, a bruised arm (in my case, while someone tried to elbow me out of the way), a certain funk, memories of new cab queue friends, and leftover pizza.
There. So always remember the ten things I learned while shopping in Megamall during a sale, because when SM says We Got It All For You, they really mean it.
IQ
Three guys are out having a relaxing day fishing. Out of the blue, they catch a mermaid who begs to be set free in return for granting each of them a wish.
Now one of the guys just doesn't believe it, and says, "Okay, if you can really grant wishes, then double my IQ."
The mermaid says, "Done."
Suddenly the guy starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly and analyzing it with extreme insight.
The second guy is so amazed, he says to the mermaid, "Triple my IQ."
The mermaid says, "Done."
The guy starts to spout out all the mathematical solutions to problems that have been stumping all the scientists in various fields: physics, chemistry, etc.
The last guy is so enthralled with the changes that his friends that he says to the mermaid, "Quintuple my IQ."
The mermaid looks at him and says, "You know, I don't usually try to change people's minds when they make a wish, but I really wish that you would reconsider."
The guy says, "No, I want you to increase my IQ times five, and if you don't do it, I won't set you free."
"Please," says the mermaid, "You don't understand what you're asking, it will change your entire view on the universe. Won't you ask for something else....a million dollars, anything?"
But no matter what the mermaid said, the guy insisted on having his IQ increased by five times its usual power. So the mermaid sighed and said, "Done."
And he became a woman.
Now one of the guys just doesn't believe it, and says, "Okay, if you can really grant wishes, then double my IQ."
The mermaid says, "Done."
Suddenly the guy starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly and analyzing it with extreme insight.
The second guy is so amazed, he says to the mermaid, "Triple my IQ."
The mermaid says, "Done."
The guy starts to spout out all the mathematical solutions to problems that have been stumping all the scientists in various fields: physics, chemistry, etc.
The last guy is so enthralled with the changes that his friends that he says to the mermaid, "Quintuple my IQ."
The mermaid looks at him and says, "You know, I don't usually try to change people's minds when they make a wish, but I really wish that you would reconsider."
The guy says, "No, I want you to increase my IQ times five, and if you don't do it, I won't set you free."
"Please," says the mermaid, "You don't understand what you're asking, it will change your entire view on the universe. Won't you ask for something else....a million dollars, anything?"
But no matter what the mermaid said, the guy insisted on having his IQ increased by five times its usual power. So the mermaid sighed and said, "Done."
And he became a woman.
School-Life During Our Time….
The Singaporean Way...
1. You grew up watching He-man, MASK,Transformers, Silver hawk and
2. You grew up brushing your teeth with a mug in Primary school during recess time. You will squat by a drain with all your classmates beside you, and brush your teeth with a coloured mug.The teachers said you must brush each side 10 times too.
3. You know what SBC stands for.
4. You pay 40 cents for Chocolate or Strawberry MILK every week in class.
5. You watch a very popular Malay dubbed Japanese drama on RTM1 about schoolgirls who possess powerful skills in volleyball called Meoro Attack.
6. You find your friends with pagers and handphone cool in Secondary school.
7. SBS buses used to be non-airconditioned. The bus seats are made of wood and the cushion is red. The big red bell gives a loud BEEEP! when pressed. There are colourful tickets forTIBS buses.The conductor will check for tickets by using a machine which punches a hole in the ticket.
8. Envelopes given to us to donate to Sharity Elephant every Children's Day
9. You've probably read Young Generation magazine.You know who's Vinny the little vampire and Acai the constable.
10. You were there when they first introduced MRT here. You went for the first ride with your parents and you would kneel on the seat to see the scenery.
11. Movie tickets used to cost only $3.50.
12. Gals are fascinated by Strawberry Short Cake and Barbie Dolls.
13. You learn to laugh like The Count in
14. You longed to buy tibits called Kaka(20 cents per pack),and Ding Dang(50 cents per box), that had a toy in it and it changes every week not forgetting the 15 cents animal crackers and the ring pop, where the lollipop is the diamond on the ring.
15. You watched TV2(also known as Channel 10) cartoons because Channel 5 never had enough cartoons for you.
16. Hardy Boys, Nancy Drew, The Three Investigators, Famous Five and Secret Seven are probably the thickest story books you ever thought you have read. Even
17. KFC used to be a high class restaurant that serve food in
18. The most vulgar thing you said was asshole and idiot and THE MOST EXTREME WAS 'super white'...you just couldn't bring yourself to say the hokkien relative.
19. Catching was the IN thing and twist as the magic word.
20. Your English workbooks was made of some damn poor quality paper that was smooth and yellow.
21. CDIS were your bestfriend.
22. The only computer lessons in school involved funny pixellised characters in 16 colours walking about trying to teach you maths.
23. Waterbottles were slinged around your neck and a must everywhere you go.
24. Boys loved to play soccer with small plastic balls in the basketball court.
25. Teng-teng, batu lesung, chapteh, hentam bola and zero point were all the rage with the girls and boys too...
26. Science was fun with the balsam and the angsana being the most important plants of our lives, guppies and swordtail being the most important fish.
27. Who can forget Ahmad, Bala, Sumei and John, eternalized in our minds from the textbooks. Even Mr Wally & Mr. Yakki. What abt Miss Lala??? And Zaki and Tini in Malay Textbooks?
28. We carry out experiments of our own to get ourself badges for being a Young Zoologist/Botanist etc.
29. Every children's day and national day you either get pins or pens with 'HappyChildren's Day 1993' or dumbfiles with Happy National Day1994'.
30. In Primary six you had to play buddy for the younger kids like big sister and brother.
31. You wear BM2000, BATA, or Pallas shoes.
32. Your form teacher taught you maths,science and english.
33. The worksheets were made of brown rough paper of poor quality.
34. You went to school in slippers and a raincoat when it rained, and you find a dry spot in the school to sit down, dry your feet, and wear your dry and warm socks and shoes.
36. There would be spelling tests and mental sums to do almost everyday.
37. Your friends considered you lucky and rich if your parents gave you $3 or more for pocket money everyday.
38. You see Wee Kim Wee's face in the school hall.
39. You freak out when the teacher tells you to line up according to height and hold hands with the corresponding boy or girl.
40. Boys like to catch fighting spiders.
41. Collecting and battling erasers was a pastime for boys
42. Autograph books were loaded with "Best Wishes", "Forget Me Not", and small poems like "Bird fly high, hard to catch. Friend like you, hard to forget".
43. Class monitors and prefects loved to say "You talk somemore, I write your name ah!"
44. There were at least 40 people in one class.
45. Large, colourful schoolbags were carried.
46. You brought every single book to school, even though there was one thing called the timetable.
Label Instructions
HERE ARE SOME ACTUAL LABEL INSTRUCTIONS ON CONSUMER GOODS…
On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....)
On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating..." (...and you thought????...)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash!)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents)
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....)
On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating..." (...and you thought????...)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash!)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents)
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
A Mother's Letter To Her Son
Read it carefully... It's hilarious!!!
My dear son. I am in a well here and hoping you are also in a well there. I'm writing this letter slowly, because I know you cannot read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen 20 miles from home, so we moved 20 miles.
I won't be able to send the address as the last owner who stayed here took the house numbers with them for their new house so they would not have to change their address.
Hopefully by next week we will be able to take our earlier address plate here, and that our address will remain same too. This place is really nice.
It even has a washing machine, situated right above the toilet. I'm not sure it works too well. Last week I put in 3 shirts, pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.
The weather here isn't too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first time it rained for 3 days and second time for 4 days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all the metal buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket.
Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass at the cemetery.
By the way I went to our club's poolside. The manager told me that two-piece swimming suit is not allowed in his club. We were confused as to which piece should I remove.
Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it is a girl or a boy, so I don't know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle.
Your uncle fell in the nearby well. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off bravely and drowned.
Your best friend, is no more. He died trying to fulfill his father's last wishes. His father had wished to be buried in the sea after he died. And your friend died while in the process of digging a grave for his father.
There isn't much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.
Love, Mom.
P.S: I was going to send you some money but by the time I realized, I had already sealed off this letter.
Chinese & Indian Movies
Things That Can ONLY Happen In Chinese Swordsman Movies
1. Being the hero's parents will always be unlucky and will usually be killed by enemies when the hero is young, and the hero will become an orphan.
2. When a man is wounded and dying, he always manages to catch his breath and speak a few sentences to reveal the killer before dropping his head and declared dead.
3. Skilled people are able to fly over roof tops, up the trees and across distances without any sweat. But when traveling to towns and villages, they still have to walk or ride horses.
4. The heroes need not have to work for money, but will always have gold and silver with them to pay for their dishes.
5. The heroes and villains will meet each other very often no matter how big the country is and no matter where they are.
6. Healing internal wounds in the body is as easy as sitting down cross-legged, palms on the knees and smoke coming out from the head.
7. They can keep a lot of stuff in their sleeves and waistband and never drop them (carrying especially lots of those gold and silver ingots).
Things That Can ONLY Happen In Indian Movies
1. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to cleanse his wounds.
2. Once applied, make-up is permanent, in rain or in any other situation.
3. The hero cannot fall in love with the heroine (vice versa) until they perform a dance number in the rain.
4. The lovers can be dancing in the field and out of nowhere, 100 people will appear from god-knows-where and join them in the dance.
5. They drop down on grounds and roll and roll while singing and come up with different clothings.
6.They can run around the coconut trees, singing, battling eyes-lid, and throwing glances at each other and change clothes all at the same time without being out of breath.
Potato Garden
An old Arab man lived alone in
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Abdul, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't able able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Your dad, Mohammad.
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad, For heaven's sake, don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the biological weapons.
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