JUST FOR LAUGHS
"Laughter is the tonic, the relief, the surcease for pain." - Charlie Chaplin
10 Horrible things people do on public transport
Potentiality vs Reality
Youngest Son: Tell me Dad, what is the difference between "Potentiality" and "Reality"?"
Dad: I will show you.
Dad turns to his wife and asks her: Would you sleep with Robert Redford for 1 million dollars"?
Wife: Yes of course! I would never waste such an opportunity...
Then Dad asks his daughter, if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for 1 million dollars?
Daughter: Wow! Yes! he is my fantasy!
So Dad turns to his elder son and asks him: "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for 1 million dollars"?
Elder Son: Yeah! Why not? Imagine what I could do with 1 million Dollars!I Would never hesitate!
So the father turns back to his younger son saying: You see son, "Potentially" we are sitting on
3 million dollars, but in "Reality" we are living with 2 prostitutes and 1 gay.
1981 & 2005
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. Pope Died
Then there's Year 2005
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament
4. Pope Died
In the future, if Prince Charles decides to remarry... please warn the Pope!!
21st CENTURY LIFE LESS
Our business - Cashless
Our telephone - Cordless
Our cooking - Fireless
Our youth - Jobless
Our religion - Creedless
Our food - Fatless
Our faith - Godless
Our labour - Effortless
Our conduct - Worthless
Our relation - Loveless
Our attitude - Careless
Our feelings - Heartless
Our politics - Shameless
Our education - Valueless
Our Follies - Countless
Our arguments - Baseless
Our commitment - Aimless
Our life - Meaningless
Our bosses - Hopeless
Our Salary - Very less !!!!!!!
Mr Bean...
1) MR. BEAN SEES A DOCTOR :
Doctor : I regret to tell you that you have a brain tumor.
Mr. Bean: Yesss!!! (jumps in joy)
Doctor : Did you understand what I just told you?
Mr. Bean: Yes of course, do you think I'm dumb?
Doctor : Then why are you so happy?
Mr. Bean: Because that proves that I have a brain!
2) MR. BEAN WHILE IN GRADE SCHOOL:
Teacher : What is 5 plus 4?
Mr. Bean : 9
Teacher : What is 4 plus 5?
Mr. Bean : Are you trying to fool me, you've just twisted the figure, the answer is 6!!
3) WHILE IN A DRUG STORE:
Mr. Bean: I'd like some vitamins for my grandson.
Clerk : Sir, vitamin A, B or C?
Mr. Bean: Any will do, my grandson doesn't know the alphabet yet!!
4) AT AN ATM MACHINE:
Friend : What are you looking at?
Mr. Bean: I know your PIN no., hee, hee.
Friend : Alright, what is my PIN no. if you saw it?
Mr. Bean: four asterisks (****)!
5) MARRIAGE:
Friend : How many women do you believe must a man marry?
Mr. Bean: 16
Friend : Why?
Mr. Bean: Because the priest says 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better and 4 worse.
6) CHATTING WITH HIS FRIEND:
Friend : How was the tape you borrowed from me, is it Ok?
Mr. Bean: What do you mean ok, I thought it's a horror film. I didn't see any picture.
Friend : What tape did you take anyway?
Mr. Bean: Head Cleaner.
7) DEATH OF HIS MOTHER:
Mr. Bean:(crying) the doctor called, Mom's dead.
Friend : condolence, my friend.
(After 2 minutes) Mr. Bean cries even louder
Friend : what now?
Mr. Bean: my sister just called, her mom died too!
8) MR. BEAN ATTENDING A MEETING:
Colleague : Sorry I'm late. I got stuck in an elevator for 4 hrs because of a power failure.
Mr. Bean : That's alright, me too...I got stuck on the escalator for 3 hrs.
9) SPELLING LESSON:
Mr. Bean's Son: Dad, what is the spelling of successful....is it one c or two c?
Mr. Bean : Make it three c to be sure!
How To Put The Right Person For The Right Job
Put around 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an open window. Then send 2-3 candidates into the room and close it from outside.
Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours, and then analyze the situation:
If they are counting and recounting the number of bricks - PUT THEM IN ACCOUNTS DEPT.
If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks - PUT THEM IN ENGINEERING
If they are arranging the bricks in some other order - PUT THEM IN PLANNING.
If they are throwing the bricks at each other - PUT THEM IN OPERATIONS.
If they are sleeping - PUT THEM IN SECURITY.
If they have broken the bricks into pieces - PUT THEM IN INFORMATION TECHNOLOGY.
If they are sitting idle - PUT THEM IN HUMAN RESOURCE DEPT.
If they have thrown the bricks out of the window - PUT THEM IN THE MATERIALS DEPT.
If they are clinging onto the bricks - PUT THEM IN TREASURY.
If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has moved - PUT THEM IN SALES.
If they have already left for the day - PUT THEM IN MARKETING.
If they are staring out of the window - PUT THEM IN STRATEGIC PLANNING
AND last but not least....
If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved - PUT THEM IN TOP MANAGEMENT.
Somehow I find this quite true in our society.
Pay Attention
The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor : The first is that you are not disgusted by anything involving the human body." For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them calmly and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention...."
Cow Corporation
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create clever cow cartoon images called 'Cowkimon' and market them World-Wide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5,000 cows and none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment and high bovine productivity.
You have the newsman who reported on the numbers arrested.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.
A MALAYSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You signed a 40-year contract to supply milk at RM0.06 per litre.
Then midway through, you raised the price to RM0.60 or you cut the supply.
When the buyer agrees to the new price, you change your mind again and now want RM1.20.
The buyer decided you can keep the milk and they go look for milk that comes from recycled cows or the cow urine instead.
Your two cows retire together with the Prime Minister.
A SINGAPOREAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
One cow-peh and one cow-bu.
Life is tough. It's tougher if you're stupid.
- Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen McNuggets. We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
- I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said, "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.
- I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."
- Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper.What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
- Police in Radnor, Pa., interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photo copymachine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
Doctors’ Notes
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
On the second day, the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.
She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
The patient refused an autopsy.
The patient has no past history of suicides.
Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.
She is numb from her toes down.
While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
The skin was moist and dry.
Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
Patient was alert and unresponsive.
Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
She stated that she had been constipated for most of her adult life, until she got a divorce.
I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.
Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
Funny Car Names
Always Unsafe Designs Implemented
BMW
Big Money Works
Bought My Wife
Brutal Money Waster
Bimbette Motor Weapon
Break My Window
BUICK
Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer
CHEVROLET
Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time
Cheap Heap, Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time
Condition Hopeless, Entire Vehicle Relies On Leftover Engine Technology
DODGE
Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere
Dem Old Dudes Go Everywhere
Dead or Dying Gas Eater
Dear Old Dad's Geriatric Express
FIAT
Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
Fix It All the Time
Fix it again, Tony!
FORD
First On Recall Day
First On Race Day
First On Rust and Deterioration
Fix Or Repair Daily
Found On Road, Dead
Fault Of R & D
Fast Only Rolling Downhill
Features O.J. and Ron's DNA
Found On Russian Dump
GM
General Maintenance
Great Mistake
GMC
Garage Man's Companion
Got A Mechanic Coming?
HONDA
Had One Never Did Again
HYUNDAI
Hope You Understand Nothing's Drivable And Inexpensive...
MAZDA
Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along
OLDSMOBILE
Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Everywhere
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment
PONTIAC
Poor old Neanderthal thinks its a Cadillac
SAAB
Send Another Automobile Back
Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown
Sorry Assed Auto Builders
TOYOTA
Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto
VOLVO
Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
Vehicles Of Low Velocity Owners
VW
Virtually Worthless
WEIRD Laws
Here are some of my favourites :
AUSTRALIA
Children may not purchase cigarettes, but they may smoke them.
It is illegal to roam the streets wearing black clothes, felt shoes and black shoe polish on your face as these items are the tools of a cat burgular.
Only licensed electricians may change a light bulb. The fine for not abiding by this law is 10 pounds.
CAMBODIA
Water guns may not be used in New Year's celebrations.
CANADA
Citizens may not publicly remove bandages.
It is illegal to kill a sick person by frightening them.
CANADA - Alberta
If you are released from prison, it is required that you are given a handgun with bullets and a horse, so you can ride out of town.
CANADA - Ontario, Oshawa
It's illegal to climb trees.
CHINA
To go to college you must be intelligent.
You may only have one child, or you will have to pay a fine.
DENMARK
There is a penalty of 20kr for not reporting when a person has died.
Before starting your car you are required to check lights, brakes, steering and honk your horn. You also need to make a visual check to make sure there are no children underneath the car.
FRANCE
It is illegal to kiss on railways in France.
FRANCE - Paris
An ashtray is considered to be a deadly weapon.
FINLAND
Taxi drivers must pay royalties if they play music in their cars for paying customers.
GERMANY
A pillow can be considered a "passive" weapon.
Every office must have a view of the sky, however small.
GREECE
All electronic games are banned.
One could not wear a hat in the Olympic Stadium in ancient times as it would obstruct someone's view.
ISRAEL
Bicycles may not ridden without a license.
ISRAEL, Haifa
It is forbidden to bring bears to the beach.
ITALY
A man may be arrested for wearing a skirt.
MOROCCO
Anyone in company with someone who possesses narcotics, even if they are unaware that their companion has them, can be tried for the same crime.
NORWAY
Licenses must be bought in order to own television sets, and even VCRs.
PHILIPPINES
Cars whose license plates end with a 1 or 2 are not allowed on the roads on Monday, 3 or 4 on Tuesday, 5 or 6 on Wednesday, 7 or 8 on Thursday, and 9 or 0 on Friday from 7:00 A.M. to 7:00 P.M.
SINGAPORE
Homosexuals are not allowed to live in the country.
If you are convicted of littering three times, you will have to clean the streets on Sundays with a bib on saying, "I am a litterer." This will then be broadcasted on the local news.
SOUTH AFRICA - Bloemfontein
In the days of aparthed, all people of colour had to be indoors by 9 PM, at which time a siren was sounded.
Young people wearing bathing suits are prohibited from sitting less than 12 inches apart.
SOUTH KOREA
Traffic police are required to report all bribes that they receive from motorists.
SWAZILAND
Any woman who wears pants faces a possible punishment of having the pants ripped off her and torn to pieces by soldiers.
Young girls may not shake hands with men.
SWEDEN
It is illegal to repaint a house without a painting license and the government's permission.
If you release pigs into a acornwood (or a beechnutwood) mutually owned by you and at least one more, and exceeded your quota of allowed pigs, you will have to pay a fine for each each pig to the other owners and to restore any damages caused by the extra pigs.
SWITZERLAND
Clothes may not be hung to dry on Sunday.
You may not wash your car on a Sunday.
It is illegal to flush the toilet after 10 P.M. if you live in an apartment.
THAILAND
It is illegal to leave your house if you are not wearing underwear.
No one may step of any of the nation's currency.
UNITED KINGDOM
You may not fish on Sundays for salmon.
All English males over the age 14 are to carry out 2 or so hours of longbow practice a week supervised by the local clergy.
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA - California, San Francisco
It is illegal to wipe one's car with used underwear.
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA - Federal Law
A US citizen can take possession of any foreign, uninhabited island, as long as it contains bird droppings.
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA - Florida
You may not fart in a public place after 6 P.M. on Thursdays.
Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner.
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA - Illinois, Champaign
One may not pee in his neighbor's mouth.
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA - New Mexico
Idiots may not vote.
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA - New York
The penalty for jumping off a building is death.
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA - North Carolina, Zebulon
It is illegal to stand outside the police station for any purpose after dark.
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA - Texas
It is illegal to milk another person's cow.
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA - Washington
All lollipops are banned.
People may not buy a mattress on Sunday.
You cannot buy meat of any kind on Sunday.
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA - Washington, Seattle
Women who sit on men's laps on buses or trains without placing a pillow between them face an automatic six-month jail term.
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA - Washington, Wilbur
You may not ride an ugly horse.